Saturday, September 1, 2012

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

A number of years ago, I was hitchhiking in Kansas.  I was walking on U.S. 54 somewhere west of Pratt.  This guy pulled over to give me a ride.

The first thing he said was, "I am a pastor.  How may I help you?"

At first, I thought, sounds like a canned speech.  Then I replied, "I'm just heading west.  Thanks for picking me up."

As we talked, he mentioned that he used to be a farmer, but he wasn't making a very good living as a farmer, so he thought he would become a pastor.  He told me that he was going to play some golf with some other pastors that afternoon.

So this guy is a pastor, not because he was called of the Lord, but so he could make more money.  And I thought I had heard of everything.

He told me that it would be better if he had a congregation of one thousand where everyone gave 20 dollars per week rather than a congregation of one hundred where everyone gave 100 dollars per week.  I have never thought of it quite like that before.  A guy can get all kinds of sound financial advice hitchhiking the country.

I told him something like the Lord had delivered me of a lot of demons and I was very grateful for what the Lord had done in my life.  All of sudden, this frown formed on his face and he started yelling at me.  He then dropped me off at this gas station.  Looks like I was casting pearls before swine.

I hope his golf game is much better than his preaching.

I Should Go To Dairy Queen More Often
Casting Pearls Before Swine

"I'd rather have ten people that want God than 10,000 people who want to play church."

--Leonard Ravenhill


By Tim Shey

Brutal deathdance;
My eyes weep blood.
Pharisees smile like vipers,
They laugh and mock their venom:
Blind snakes leading
The deaf and dumb multitude.

Where are my friends?
The landscape is dry and desolate.
They have stretched my shredded body
On this humiliating tree.

The hands that healed
And the feet that brought good news
They have pierced
With their fierce hatred.

The man-made whip
That opened up my back
Preaches from a proper pulpit.
They sit in comfort:
That vacant-eyed congregation.
The respected, demon-possessed reverend
Forks his tongue
Scratching itchy ears
While Cain bludgeons
Abel into silence.

My flesh in tattered pieces
Clots red and cold and sticks
To the rough-hewn timber
That props up my limp, vertical carcase
Between heaven and earth.
My life drips and puddles
Below my feet,
As I gaze down dizzily
On merciless eyes and dagger teeth.

The chapter-and-versed wolves
Jeer and taunt me.
Their sheepwool clothing
Is stained black with the furious violence
Of their heart of stone.
They worship me in lip service,
But I confess,
I never knew them
(Though they are my creation).

My tongue tastes like ashes:
It sticks to the roof of my mouth.
I am so thirsty.
This famine is too much for me.
The bulls of Bashan have bled me white.
Papa, into your hands
I commend my Spirit.

February/March 1997
Iowa State University

Genesis 49: 10: “The scepter shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be.”


  1. Kindof like the medical industry. Keep em sick, keep the drs rich.

  2. Deirdre: So many churches are just social clubs--these are the places that unsaved pastors gravitate towards--like flies to a carcase.

    I have no problem with people playing and enjoying golf. I would rather have a golfer walking down the fareway thinking about God than a pastor preaching from a pulpit thinking about golf.

    One time I was hitchhiking in Wyoming and this truck driver picked me up. He was in this religion class in high school and he told the priest that he would much rather be in a duck blind thinking about God than be in church thinking about being in a duck blind. The priest kicked him out of class.

  3. LOL! He was fortunate to have been kicked out of class! When I was growing up RCC, there was no choice to argue, debate, ask questions, make blank statements. So I spent my time fantasising about what I'd rather be doing, while pretending to listen to some nun/priest drone on.

  4. I went to a Catholic high school back in Iowa. I was kicked out of two religion classes (I was an atheist between the ages of 15 and 18, so that probably didn't help things too much). I later dropped out of school my junior year, came back in the fall of my senior year and then dropped out in December of that year. I guess I just wasn't cut out for high school--it was so oppressive.

  5. Shocking, interesting, and sad...

  6. When I think of all the deadbeat, false Christians like that pastor from Kansas, no wonder the United States has turned into a cesspool.

  7. Tim, I burst out laughing when I started reading this Blog and kept laughing to the end. For some reason the ending of him yelling at you and throwing you out was the cherry on top. Perfect Title... You really get to see the real side of life so often in your travels.

  8. Maybe he should have paid you $20 for your insight. Lot of people either don't recognize the good the Lord does for them or they think it's all their doing. Well worth $20.

  9. mrlibrarian: Well, he gave me a ride to the next major town, so that has to count for something. But listening to him talk was nothing but noise pollution.

    Reminds me of a time during the winter, I was hitchhiking through Kansas and I saw this light on at this little church building. There were a few people inside. I set down my backpack, opened the door and asked the man, who had a Bible in his hand (I assumed he was the pastor), if I could sleep on the porch of their church that night.

    He yelled at me angrily and said, "Well, yeah! I guess that's okay, if you want to!"

    By the violent tone of his voice, he was telling me to buzz off.

    So I walked on down the road and found a corn stack to sleep in. It was nice and warm when I slept in that corn stack that night--a lot warmer than being in that church.

    1. Sounds like you have the same problem I do...people don't quite know what to do with you. They're not sure whether it's safer to try and smile superficially or shun you blatantly. Either way, they feel threatened and exposed. I suppose it's some sort of gift the Lord has given

    2. Lori: Sometimes it is the words that come out of our mouths that convict people of sin. Mostly, it is our lives that threaten and convict people of sin. People who are really into their churchy church churchianity usually hate those who are surrendered to Christ.